| Going sane |
[11 Mar 2008|04:34pm] |
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I feel like I'm going sane. I figured this out a day or so ago.
After my Reiki II detox I felt scared of people again. It was in a different way though, not the same old social anxiety that I used to have. I felt like I was going crazy and losing my grip. I realized recently that it was my old fake masks melting off. All I had left was me. I was afraid of that because my husband had so subtly drilled into my head how inappropriate I am as my real self. I had let myself be swayed by this for way to long.
I had a problem since childhood with a desperate NEED to be loved and appreciated by a partner. It probably had something to do with my parents being cold and my dad being an asshole but who knows. I really need what I'm learning right now: to stay myself in a relationship and not bend the to approval of the other person. In this case its not him that I'm not myself around either. It's everyone else. Trying to censor myself so that Joe Australian doesn't find me offensive has made my time here a living Hell.
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| Ouch quicky |
[03 Feb 2008|04:53pm] |
I'm going to be away for a few days. I have an RSI (repetitive stress injury) and I want it to recover fully before really using the computer. :(
It really hurts but it's healing quickly. I love you guys *looks at Megan*! See you soon. *hugs* AFK
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| Secret shame no more |
[10 Jan 2008|11:30am] |
There's something that's been bothering me lately. It should have been bothering me a long time ago but as I've heard, we work on our biggest problems first usually and I guess I had other things on my mind.
There's something that I've realized about myself that I feel quite ashamed of. The opposite of being ashamed seems to be openly admitting something and then either accepting it about yourself or changing it.
I have the tendency to compare myself to other people to the point where I just get jealous and really down on myself about it and sometimes even stopping myself up too much to keep doing things. Then I spend time thinking about how much of a piece of shit I am. I know I have some pretty deep rooted self esteem issues and I'm sure this is part of that. I feel ashamed of it because I know it's stupid but in order to change it, it's going to take work.
This is something I definitely need to change in order to move on. An example: I used to meditate and then someone I knew online years ago and her friend were making some comments about how most people who thought they were meditating really weren't. I haven't been able to meditate since. How stupid is that? So I'm going to make this my next big thing to work on.
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| Happy New Year |
[02 Jan 2008|12:11pm] |
Since I'm still tired and sick from my long and exhausting vacation I'll just gank this question post from lovebyelise!
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?:
I also got married
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?:
I didn't make any last year as far as I can remember. This year I've decided to focus on 5 things: Reiki, Astral stuff, Lucid Dreaming, Grounding/centering and one more that I haven't finalized.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?:
Nope. I've never even held a baby or seen one up close.
4. Did anyone close to you die?:
No
5. What countries did you visit?:
I guess none since I was already in Australia and haven't left yet.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?:
SELF ESTEEM above all else.
7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:
New Years day because we got married then.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:
Living through that shit.
9. What was your biggest failure?:
Giving my personal power away.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?:
Just the typical sinus infection(s) that I get too often.
11. What was the best thing you bought?:
The bed quilt probably. Warm enough for winter yet cool enough for summer.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?:
Jared for putting up with me all these years.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?:
Without a doubt my husband.
14. Where did most of your money go?:
Fast food. :(
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?:
NaNoWriMo because it was a good opportunity to reclaim myself doing something I love.
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?:
That Bodyrox song probably.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened?: hardened
ii. thinner or fatter?: fatter
iii. richer or poorer?: richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?:
Self work.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?:
Playing the Sims 2 and worrying about my marriage.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?:
Drunk at the inlars house with my mommy.
22. Did you fall in love in 2007?:
I fell out of it.
23. How many one-night stands?:
None, unless porn counted for some reason.
24. What was your favorite TV program?:
Shameless? Big Brother?
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?:
I don't hate anyone. My husband stands tall on the top of my resentment list though. He was there last year too but it's moreso this year.
26. What was the best book you read?:
I read a lot this year. Probably one of the Midnighters books by Scott Westerfeld?
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?:
Cheesy dance music?
28. What did you want and get?:
A bunch of stuff but nothing notable I guess.
29. What did you want and not get?:
This deaf white cat that I don't have room for.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The only new movie I saw was Stardust and I was high.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:
I don't remember what we did. I turned 24. :/
32. Whats one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:
Self esteem.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?:
Lots of naked alternating with having every long sleaved thing I own on.
34. What kept you sane?:
Deciding to focus on myself.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:
Probably some skinny white guy.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?:
I was very self centered this year.
37. Who did you miss?:
Jared and my mom.
38. Who was the best new person you met?:
Megan
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
If someone values you or not it shows. Listen to their actions over their words.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Give me your heart make it real or else forget about it
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